How Not To: Name your Mexican restaurant

…even if it’s in an airport.

There are no words

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How To: Improve your morning coffee experience

Venti Dagobah roast, room for cream please

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Brent Musberger and Dick Vitale go to Chipotle

If you don’t get the title, you can learn about Dick here and Brent here.   Learn how Brent abuses nicknames here, and the source of his most recent obsession here.

Chipotle? You really don’t know what Chipotle is? You thought it was pronounced “Chi-pottle” like my old roommate did? OK, here.

If you haven’t been sucked into a 20-minute YouTube session or half hour Chipotle menu session, keep reading….

Uh oh! Uh oh!

Dick: Uh oh!

Brent: Dick you are looking live at Chipotle in Rrrrancho Cucomonga, California.

Dick: This is gonna be awesome baby!

Brent: It’s gonna be a big one, pardner. Have you ever been here before?

Dick: I have no idea but I’ll tell you what, lookeythere, lookeythere right now, freezeit!

Brent: What?

Dick: Lookatthepricesonthoseburritos!

Brent: Now folks I want you to pay attention to this.  Reeally watch this now.  You can get a burrito with only veggies, or you can get one with chicken for a higher price.

Chipotle: What can I get for you?

Brent: Tell me about your burritos, pardner

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Middle School Phone Tag

Got peppered by a 6th grader from LA about grad school/Boston for 34 minutes the other day. This is about how the flow of conversation goes.

Where are you?
Boston.
Where’s that?
The East Coast.
Where’s that?
By the Atlantic Ocean.
(silence)
You know the Pacific Ocean?
Yeah.
It’s like the opposite.
Oh. Do they have dogs there?
Yeah.
Do they have hurricanes?
Kind of, we get weird weather because of hurricanes.
Do they have snow?
Too much.
How much is that?
Anything that falls in October. Continue reading

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The Cosby Letters

There are times when the comedy gods smile upon you.    When one of them is Bill Cosby, you have to respond.

Scene: Checking my email, random Tuesday.

Email message received:

Hi M.

 Thanks for your interest in Mr. Cosby. However, he has declined this request.

 Best,

S.

Me: Strange. I don’t remember writing to Bill Cosby’s publishing team.  What message is S. responding to?

This one, found at the bottom of her email…

Hello!

We are interested in having Bill Cosby on the radio show to discuss his new book. Would you mind putting me in touch with the right person?

Thanks,

M. Wolking

Some other M. Wolking emailed the Cosby camp? Indeed. And he has a sweet blog (see below).

What does other M. do? Works for political pundit Laura Ingraham, she of the busy website featuring a “Lie of the Day,” a “Must Read” book by Donald Trump, and her very own impossibly witty oeuvre titled “Of Thee I Zing: America’s Cultural Decline from Muffin Tops to Body Shots.”

So that’s not all?  That’s not all. I had to write S. back.  It’s not every day the Cosby people decline a request you didn’t make to get on the show you don’t have.

What did you say? 

This…

Hi S. 

I didn’t ask to be emailed, but I’m glad I was anyway (did you see what I did there?).  My name is M. Wolking, and I’m a huge Bill Cosby fan, and even more enthusiastic about Cosby Sweater Parties (CSP’s).  Had I thought to invite Mr. Cosby on my show I certainly would have, but I have no show, so that made the planning difficult. In any case I was delighted to accidentally receive your email, and I find the timing strange–a few nights ago I sat in the audience of the Apollo Theater as Phylicia Rashad (aka Mrs. Cosby) addressed a crowd assembled for the kick off of “Opportunity Nation.” What are the odds of a Double Huxtable in the same week?!  

Continue reading

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Meats and Unmeats

Ever since Dunkin’ Donuts started offering cheeseburger breadsticks, I’ve been thinking a lot about food.

Even I wouldn't touch these.

I love food.  All of it.  So much so that I really don’t have any standards—cheap or expensive, local or international, meats or unmeats (as Domino’s puts it).  This is passionate indifference.  I’m just as happy at McDonald’s as I am at Veggie Planet.  I’ll feast on lentils at Tanjore with the same zeal I reserve for the mastodon rack of ribs at Redbones.

I marvel at the extraordinary neutrality of tofu.  But I also suspect that, like a water chestnut or Lady Gaga, its full potential is only reached when wrapped in bacon.  Explaining why she draped herself in a dress made of meat last September, the singer claimed she was making a political statement protesting the U.S. Military’s Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy.  “Equality is the prime rib of America,” Gaga said.  This was Grade-A social commentary. America’s ample reserves of bacon surely sizzled in applause. Continue reading

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Airline Responds, Apologizes for Caps-Shouting Name

As I fly to Mississippi in a few hours, then back to Detroit and out to Boston, I am about to embark on 6 U.S. Airways flights over the next 7 days. I can assure you this is not by choice.  I am eager to avoid any trace of the December’s debacle that crippled my appreciation of the miracle of flight.

I take solace only in the airline’s swift responsiveness to my complaints.  A mere thirty-six hours after the Travel Day Which Shall Not Be Named, US Airways responded.  Continue reading

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